Getting to Know Me

I first realized Multiple Personality Disorder wasn't normal when my therapist asked me to show her how my "insides" work. After I drew what looked like a corporate flow chart of about 65 alters, I asked her to show me hers. With a straight face she said she didn't have "insides." This was a big shock to me! I thought, "Who would drive her to work if she forgot how to drive?" "Who would dress her? Cook for her? Talk to her when no one was around?"

Imagining how my life would be if I didn't have my "insides" was nearly impossible for me. Even scary... Sometimes the voices were quiet, and I would become sad and depressed. I missed them. But then, for no apparent reason, they would be back. This was my pattern from childhood.

In second grade I knew that I wasn't very good on the recess field, but when it came to kickball, I knew that Sport (male alter, 6 years old) would come out to play. He was a very good athlete. We participated in all kinds of sports because of him and Butch (male alter, 12 years old). They loved it. I liked the attention, but wouldn't take credit for their good skills.

Art and music talents were another story. Quite a number of my alters loved to smell the art supplies. They loved to create beautiful pieces of art, sculpture, and collage. They used a variety of media such as acrylic, crayons and chalk. Some, like Nature Girl 25 (female alter age 25), would only use crayons or water colors and would only paint landscapes. In my first book, Diary of a Survivor In Art and Poetry, several of them expressed their stories through drawings and paintings.

When I was three years old, my mother gave me piano lessons (which I don't remember), and she said that I was a very talented player. I even liked to compose my own tunes. In high school, I joined the chorus and my heart would open up when we sang. As a college student during the Vietnam War, I learned to play the guitar and sing. As a young mother, I made up songs on the guitar to play for my new son. He'd laugh and become bright eyed when I sang to him. These were magical times.

The point of all this is that living as a "onesie" hasn't eliminated these talents and interests. I still have a love of art and music, and can even participate in some sports. Fear of losing these abilities was up there at the top of my list of why I didn't want to become a "onesie." But the gradual process of adopting and opening up to the many possibilities life would offer, has taken these fears away.

Today I am grateful to all my alters and their many talents. They are all a part of me and my life today. I understand that there may never be an answer as to why there was so much evil in my life, but I will always be grateful for it. With the help of a loving Universe and many talented people, it has made me the person I am today and that's a pretty good thing. As I journey on as a "onesie", I hope you will join me in my celebration of life and learn with me what it is to live as one.

More later,

deJoly