Speaking Out

In 1997 I attended a conference in Atlanta for mental health professionals and survivors of Ritual Abuse and Mind Control. It was an intense three days of presentations from a variety of well-known individuals in the field, such as James Randall Noblitt, who is the author of Cult and Ritual Abuse, Its History, Anthropology, and Recent Discovery in Contemporary America (co-written by Pamela Sue Perskin). What I took from this conference was that there isn't much literature out on the subjects of ritual abuse and mind control. They encouraged all the survivors and mental health professionals who treated survivors to write about it. To tell their stories. To speak out whenever possible.

That was a turning point in my life. I'd been in recovery since 1988, but hadn't written my story. I'd spoken about it many times, even promised my therapist that I would write it. But for me, I thought writing about it would make it more real. Like many other important things in my life, I'd put it off. That year I wrote and published Diary of a Survivor in Art and Poetry. The book was featured on FoxTV 13 News in Tampa, Florida with Kathy Fountain where I participated in a call-in show on my book, ritual abuse and MPD. Surprisingly, these were topics that many people in the area were interested in discussing.

Prior to this call-in program, I presented my story and my book at the S.M.A.R.T. Conference in Hartford, CT. This conference focuses on exposing Cults and Mind Control, and helping survivors have a voice. For four years I presented at the S.M.A.R.T. Conference where I also learned that I wasn't alone...I wasn't the only person who had been attacked so viciously and regularly by people who should have loved and protected me from danger.

That year I also began presenting my story to students in the Criminal Justice Department at Indiana University at Bloomington, Indiana. Dr. Harold Pepinsky, JD, attended the S.M.A.R.T. Conference and he asked me to present to his classes of undergraduates (200-300) and as a smaller post-grad seminar (25-35). His classes are on peacemaking in the criminal justice system. Students are exposed to topics they would never encounter in any other classes. For many of them it seemed impossible to make any sense of the cruelty and sadistic abuse perpetrated on me and other presenters. I have done this for almost ten (10) years in the fall and spring semesters. I'm so grateful for Hal and his students who were so attuned and willing to have conversations with me in a bold way.

Please click on my ABOUT page to see the various speaking engagements I've had in the last ten years. From 1997-2000, I was published in Womyn's Words a monthly magazine with my feature article called In Her Own Voice. Also from 1997 to 2000 I wrote articles for The TASDD Newsletter, a newsletter for Multiples and Ritual Trauma Survivors, published in Tanzania, Australia.

I FOUND MY VOICE. Speaking out about the abuse was the most life altering experience I could have. I'm grateful that these opportunities came in my life while I was multiple and continued as I became a "onesie". I knew that the Spirit of the Universe was putting these people and organizations in my life for a reason.

Today I have a Blog, dedicated to both survivors, those who love them and mental health professionals who treat them. Together we will bring a higher consciousness to our discussions about MPD, Ritual Abuse, Mind Control and other issues that are important to us. Please feel free to share what is in your minds and hearts, for that is how we will help each other in the years to come.

More later,
deJoly

Getting to Know Me

I first realized Multiple Personality Disorder wasn't normal when my therapist asked me to show her how my "insides" work. After I drew what looked like a corporate flow chart of about 65 alters, I asked her to show me hers. With a straight face she said she didn't have "insides." This was a big shock to me! I thought, "Who would drive her to work if she forgot how to drive?" "Who would dress her? Cook for her? Talk to her when no one was around?"

Imagining how my life would be if I didn't have my "insides" was nearly impossible for me. Even scary... Sometimes the voices were quiet, and I would become sad and depressed. I missed them. But then, for no apparent reason, they would be back. This was my pattern from childhood.

In second grade I knew that I wasn't very good on the recess field, but when it came to kickball, I knew that Sport (male alter, 6 years old) would come out to play. He was a very good athlete. We participated in all kinds of sports because of him and Butch (male alter, 12 years old). They loved it. I liked the attention, but wouldn't take credit for their good skills.

Art and music talents were another story. Quite a number of my alters loved to smell the art supplies. They loved to create beautiful pieces of art, sculpture, and collage. They used a variety of media such as acrylic, crayons and chalk. Some, like Nature Girl 25 (female alter age 25), would only use crayons or water colors and would only paint landscapes. In my first book, Diary of a Survivor In Art and Poetry, several of them expressed their stories through drawings and paintings.

When I was three years old, my mother gave me piano lessons (which I don't remember), and she said that I was a very talented player. I even liked to compose my own tunes. In high school, I joined the chorus and my heart would open up when we sang. As a college student during the Vietnam War, I learned to play the guitar and sing. As a young mother, I made up songs on the guitar to play for my new son. He'd laugh and become bright eyed when I sang to him. These were magical times.

The point of all this is that living as a "onesie" hasn't eliminated these talents and interests. I still have a love of art and music, and can even participate in some sports. Fear of losing these abilities was up there at the top of my list of why I didn't want to become a "onesie." But the gradual process of adopting and opening up to the many possibilities life would offer, has taken these fears away.

Today I am grateful to all my alters and their many talents. They are all a part of me and my life today. I understand that there may never be an answer as to why there was so much evil in my life, but I will always be grateful for it. With the help of a loving Universe and many talented people, it has made me the person I am today and that's a pretty good thing. As I journey on as a "onesie", I hope you will join me in my celebration of life and learn with me what it is to live as one.

More later,

deJoly

Self-Doubt Was My Nemisis

There wasn't a time while living at home when I didn't doubt my reality. I could see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears, but just as quickly as I could make a true assessment of the situation, someone in power could fog my vision and cloud my hearing. Their assessment of the experience was known to be the "truth" and I (along with others who were subjected to this kind of mental torture) fell into the spell of self-doubt.

One day when I was about 13 years old, my father pulled a small calendar out of a drawer in the linen closet. He had circled the days on which he predicted that I was ovulating. This, he said, would tell him when to use a condom. His daily routine of raping me seemed to be "safer" now that I could see the calendar. However, there were times when I still wondered if I was pregnant when my period was late. The calendar didn't take my doubt away...it only gave my father a peace of mind that he had convinced me that this made his sexual misconduct Okay.

Remembering ritual abuse came quickly after I trusted my therapist enough to tell her of the many voices within me that controlled my life. Memories of ritual rapes in a cave seemed radically obscene to me. I didn't believe the reality of these memories. I had been convinced by members of the cult that no one would believe me if I told them about these events. But I was committed to letting my "others" tell their stories -- their truths.

As the stories unfolded, I began to trust my memories. It took some time, repeating the horror stories. But I began to believe my alters' recollections. They were as real to me as any flesh and blood human being standing next to me and they had no reason to lie to me.

Over the course of years, I began to take my power back from those who abused me. I began the arduous task of reconstructing a lifetime of terror, only to see it diminish in power over my life.

Now I can challenge any doubts I might have. Now I have tools to see through the doubt. Now I can be my own person with power to change my life.

More later,

deJoly

Make a Committment to Heal

When I first decided to create this website, I wondered if I really had something to say that others might want to hear. After some time, I realized that, having gone through the process of healing from Multiple Personality Disorder, I did certainly have something to say that is worthwhile to others going through this same process.

Looking back on the years of healing changes, I could see a difference in me that others lacked at times. It was a strong committment to do "whatever it takes" to heal from this painful life of living with many voices inside my head -- all of whom were struggling for control over the system. I had lived with these "others" all my life and thought it was commonplace for everyone to have the same kind of problems. Everyday situations like getting dressed, seemed to take an extra long time for decisions to be made, and I often hoped that I had dressed appropriately (since some of my younger alters loved to dress me).

Making the decision to go forward with my healing process, I intuitively knew that I couldn't do it without a committment to go places that might be painful, scary, sad and hopeless. I understood that the help I needed was available, and it seemed that at critical points in my process the right person or book or movie or whatever appeared in my life to help me.

Now it is with wonder that I can see that the most important decision I ever made was to be courageous enough to guide and accept guidance in this healing process. I vehemently rejected the idea of integration, but I was willing to do whatever it took to have a healthy life. Ultimately, my life process took me to many places that each of us has to face with resolve to do the best we can, trust the process and understand that we have to believe a healthy life IS possible.

More later,

deJoly